[rearview mirror] second week of august.

One of the best parts of having a blog is easily looking back on what you were doing this same time in years past.

Apparently August likes to bring a lot of drama with it. Also, I'm apparently never single in August

Three years ago I put an offer in on a house. That was a first. (Hint: I didn't get that house, and was heartbroken. It all worked out perfectly in the end though)

Two years ago I was positive I was exactly where I was supposed to be (Hint: two weeks later I was freshly heartbroken, and a week after that brought the plot twist of a lifetime.  It all worked out perfectly in the end though)

Last year I was chasing the racer, experiencing what I thought would become the new norm. (Hint: that ended less than a year later. Hey - it will probably all work out perfectly in the end though. Of course!)

Turning of the page

Source: louboosandshoes.blogspot.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

Guess it's inevitable that I would eventually have to update you all on the Scott story. 

I've been debating on how to post this, where to take it, to what extremes and depths but then I stumbled upon that quote above last night and it sorta answered my question for me. The past is the past, and that's where it should remain if we want to move forward.

I will say this however. I know who I am, and what I want out of life. I will never let someone tell me that I don't deserve "some fairytale life" when all I'm simply asking for is respect and dedication.

I will not let someone talk down to me, as if my feelings and thoughts do not matter.

And I will not hang on to someone who so easily tries to turn the tables and point the finger.


So, all this to say that chapter is over. And I am ok with that. I know that I did what my heart was telling me, and I tried Unfortunately, things don't always pan out like you imagine, but I got the closure I needed out of it and have cut ties.

Source: genpink.tumblr.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

An update of sorts

So, yea. Deleted that last post. I think a lot of things got misconstrued... understandably. Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that ya'll don't know the whole story, or really any of the happenings of the past few weeks. For those who saw it - I meant it as a funny little lighthearted post that you would laugh at since I mention my affinity for watches at least every other week.

Blame it on all the RomCom's I've watched over the years, the countless hours of television break-ups and fights, or probably (and most likely) the chapters upon chapters of love stories in those light-hearted chick lits... but somewhere along the way I had an idea of how a guy proves to you he wants to fix something. How he makes you forget about his mistake, how he proves to you that all will be right in the world again.

It's really quite simple - I mean, he sets up post outside your bedroom window in the pouring rain with a boombox and the sappiest of love songs. Duh?! Don't all girls know that?? Shouldn't all guys know that? No? Probably not. Especially not when you're telling them to not talk to you or text you, probably not when you say that you just want space and time to absorb what happened.

Well after a particularly emotional argument with Scott a few weeks ago I spouted out the fact that actions speak louder than words and all he had done so far was talk.

A few days later I came home from work to find 3 flowers, each with their own apology note attached, on each step of my back porch. There's been flowers hidden between my storm door & main door, there's been balloons scribbled with Sharpie writings of all the things he misses, and there's been the watch that somehow found it's way inside my garage to be discovered when I came home that evening.

So yes - I did open it up to that avenue. I did essentially say please prove to me that you think about me, show me you're that same thoughtful guy I first fell for. 

If I said he wasn't trying I'd be flatout lying. It's not just the physical actions that I'm speaking of though. We've communicated more in the past couple weeks than in the entire time I knew him. He's completely opened up and started letting me in. He has talked with family and close friends about what he did, why he (thinks he) did it and how to make things right. Don't let me fool you though, none of this has been easy for him... just because I say that deep down I feel like our story isn't meant to end here I am not saying I will be quick to jump back in.

So while part of me wants to dish it all out here and prove to everyone what has been going on, I know half of what I say will (again, understandably) be read with a critical eye and I'm just not really in the mood for it honestly. Things are tough enough as is. I will say that we've been on a few "dates" though and I am hopeful and for the most part happy. That doesn't mean I'm not looking out for myself though.  I guess I'm just particularly on the defensive today but I promise I'm not just some stupid girl, give me a break.

The one that will possibly cause some controversy

(deep breath) Phew... here goes nothin.... 

I’ve been hush on a certain big topic around here.  That being Scott. I think every single one of you has read the story about the chick facebook messaging me and revealing something I never would have imagined. And I was furious, and hurt, and sad, and betrayed and just about every other adjective you could possibly find to describe the situation of discovering you had been cheated on.

And I held my head high, and I walked away. 
I did. I stormed out that door and didn’t look back.

I leaned on my best friend, my mom and my ex boyfriend for support. Crazy, I know, that Chris became one of the easiest people for me to talk to. Or maybe not that crazy considering he knows me better than nearly anyone else.  They all heard my desperate cries trying to figure out this exact question; Can good people just make mistakes?  Can they get so caught up in something that it just spirals out of control?  Can someone truly just fuck up royally?

I just couldn’t shake the feeling that deep down, that that was not the person Scott was.  My mom- who has seen me go through breakups, and especially after watching me struggle with ending things with Chris over no solid reason other than my feelings faded- saw the struggle I was having, and we spent many an hour talking about it. She knew Scott. We had spent plenty of time with my parents, with my family. She struggled with the same question as I did!

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

Since that day I have been speaking with Scott. Minimal at first, but I needed answers, I needed conversation between us.  It’s been anything but easy, some days just seeing his name causes me to break down, but also seeing his face reminds me of all the good times we had together and how much I care for him. Believe me – it hasn’t been easy. Not for him atleast.  He’s been put through the ringer multiple times, apologized more than I can count and been making huge strides in fixing things and proving to me that he IS that guy I first fell for… the one that got sidetracked and sucked into something.

I’m not by any means justifying what he did, no way in hell. He did the worst thing a person could possibly do, and he is well aware.  A lot of truth has come out in the past few months, both regarding falsities in her story vs his story, the truth about their past, and why he did things the way he did. But I’m choosing not to hash that all out on my public blog.

Source: theuberblog.tumblr.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

I could write paragraph after paragraph until my fingers are numb about conversations we’ve had, things that he has done, actions he has taken, but honestly it wouldn’t make any of you understand any easier. All I can say is I truly believe he realizes what a mistake he made, I believe that he truly does care about me and I believe that he truly is trying to make things ‘right’ from this point forward.  I really really do think that this is the case of a good person fucking up royally. I’ve been cheated on twice before, I never had this thought process. I’m not saying he’s my Mr. Right and we’re gonna live happily ever after, but I can’t ignore the feeling that our story isn’t supposed to end here. Not now. Not this way.

Source: silentfears.tumblr.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

And you know what… maybe I am dumb, naïve, a wishful thinker, a dreamer whatever you want to call it. 

But I know how I am… I know that when I have that feeling deep down in my gut to do something I cannot just ignore it or it will eat me up inside.

And who knows? Maybe I'll decide to give him another chance, to give us another shot and  I'll discover that it's not supposed to work out?  Maybe my intuition is all wrong again and maybe in 2 weeks, 3 months, 6 months you all can point the finger and say “told you so” but for now it’ s what I need to do. For me, for myself.   

(Phew, glad that's all out in the open now...I was scared! I still am scared about it all, but keeping everything inside isn't gonna help me at all, I've learned that the hard way!)

Source: None via Chelsea on Pinterest

The one that no one saw coming

Sometime around 2 in the afternoon yesterday I  received a facebook message from a name I didn’t recognize. A Nicole.

It probably took me less than 30 seconds to read through what she had said, and at that point I just went completely numb.

I immediately texted my best friend a simple “OMG”. It was all I could muster up. I tabbed over to my gmail window and saw that Aly was online, sent her the same thing. Omg.

I reread the message atleast 4 times in Facebook before forwarding it on to both of them.

I was flooded with emotions instantly and just began shaking. Thankfully my supervisor was out of the office, I couldn’t even think straight or utter any real words.

Never, ever ever in a hundred years would I have guessed Scott would be one of THOSE guys. Never.

I was shocked. I mean really that’s the only way I know how to sum it up. I couldn’t help but text her, I wanted to know more. I needed to know more. 

However this wasn’t my first rodeo, sadly I’ve been contacted by the “other girl” a few other times too… I knew she was basically scum (isn’t any girl who knowingly hooks up with a guy who is in a relationship?), but at that point I had to play nice.

I ended up formulating a plan. I met up with her after I left work. I got a shirt from her that Scott had bought her while we were in Jamaica. Yea, you read that right. He bought her a souvenir while he was on vacation with his girlfriend and her family. He had me help him pick it out. He said it was for his sister.

Believe me, I spent most of the afternoon alternating between wanting to puke and wanting to scream. But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of an easy out.

I showed up at his house claiming I wanted to hang out. I asked how he was feeling, if he was glad to be out of the hospital. All of that.

Then I casually brought up that I had ran into one of his friends at CVS when I stopped to pick up a drink. A girl I had never met but she recognized me. A girl named Nicole.

He showed no emotion just proclaimed “oh yea, she’s my friend. She knows about you”

Then I pulled out the shirt. “I’m sorry, I lied, it was for her –she always gets me souvenirs, so I got her one” he started stumbling. I let him carry on, still playing dumb. Asking why she would give it back? Was she JUST a friend? Anything else he wanted to say?

When he was fessing up I pulled out the Facebook message that I had printed off.

He let out a half laugh/half sigh, and picked up the paper I had just thrown in front of him. He read through it. His head hung in shame, knowing the truth was out. “Most of it’s true” he said, “I’m so sorry”.

“It’s just that she knows Chris’ (my ex) cousin and she kept telling me how you were going to end up cheating on me with chris and I didn’t trust you and I fell for what she was telling me, she won. She wanted me back, I believed her I was stupid. That’s why I broke it off in Jamaica, I thought maybe if I ended it I would stop feeling so guilty. I tried to end things with her this morning, I told her I wanted her out of my life, that’s probably why she messaged you.” His reasons kept pouring out. I wasn’t even listening. I was so numb to him. I told him that I never would have guessed he would be the type of guy to do something like this. I told him how all I ever did was rave about him, what a great guy he was. He hung his head and said, so quietly I barely heard, that he was that good guy, somewhere deep inside.

I got up to leave, asked for my house key back. I told him his stuff would be outside my back door if he wanted to pick it up, and if not Id put it out with the trash on Monday.

He chased after me as I walked out, and grabbed my car door as I was trying to shut it… begging that I just talk to him. I don’t know what he thought talking would do. He made his bed, now it was time for him to lie in it. There are a lot of compromises I will make in a relationship, and if I really really care about someone I will go waaaay out of my way for them. But cheating. Cheating is one thing I absolutely will not put up with.

I politely asked him to shut my door. And I backed out of his driveway, sliding my shades down to cover up that tear that was forming in the corner of my eye. I was so good and strong in his presence, that was what mattered. I wiped the tear away and turned up my radio and rolled the windows down. I don’t remember what was on the radio, but I rocked out to it. I held my head high and took what was left of my pride with me as I made that 25 minute drive back home.

He called three times, all ignored and texted 4. Telling me he was coming to get his stuff, that I didn’t have to say anything to him but he wanted to come get it.  When he arrived I handed him his things and went about my business – letting Russell out and flipping through my mail. He just sat there at my kitchen table, searching my eyes for some sort of remorse or forgiveness. “Nothing I say or do now would even matter would it?”.  “nope,” I replied “whats done is done. You led me on this whole time… making me feel guilty for remaining friends with an ex that never did me any wrong, telling me over and over how you treated me like a queen, making me-my friends-my family all believe you were some outstanding, amazing guy. You ruined my vacation, placing the blame on me. Telling me I was selfish, and you couldn’t picture a future with me… sorry, but I’m so far beyond hurt and betrayal right now that it’s true. Nothing you can say or do will matter.”

Finally, he got up and left, with one last sorrowful “I’m sorry”. 

I don’t really know what to say or how I feel. I’m thankful I found out, relieved to have answers, absolutely disgusted, hurt, betrayed, and still just in shock. I’m not sure if my retelling of this even makes sense, but I needed to get it out for my own sake. I keep replaying the past few months in my head, recounting her story and his story and my own views. Rethinking everything. Wondering if any of it was truth. The only truth I know right now though is that I hurt. I have to try to start healing now.

The whirlwind that is my life

Sitting in a not-so-comfy hospital chair, listening to the sounds of an machine pumping Potassium Chloride into Scotts’ veins through an IV in his arm, watching him wince in pain as he tries to find a comfortable position in the sterilized bed, I can’ t help but think that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

And some might think he should be my worst enemy right now.
If we’re friends on Twitter you probably know what I’m about to say …

We broke up. Well, technically he broke up with me. While we were on vacation. Yep, Thursday night it all came out. He wasn’t happy, he wasn’t sure if we were right for each other, he had apprehensions about things, about me.  Friday was a complete struggle as I tried to absorb what had just happened and make sense of it, but Saturday (the day we spent nearly 16 hours in transit on our way home) was surprisingly easy. I’m not sure if it was my extreme desire to be anything BUT that girl who broke down in the airport, or if it was just my natural instincts kicking in.

You see, early on in the day while on the bus heading to the airport from our resort in Negril, Scott (commonly referred to on the blog as HJ) started complaining of back pain. I commented that he probably just tweaked it when we hit a bump or something, and offered him advil. He didn’t say much else until we boarded our plane out of Montego Bay. Let me back up to say in the time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him take pain medicine nor complain about being in pain.  The fact that he readily accepted a couple Advil sparked concern.

Once we touched down in Orlando I knew it was going to be a long 5 hour layover. Before we even made it through Customs he was complaining of back spasms, and you could visibly watch the goosebumps come and go after each one hit. We stopped for a bite to eat and he complained of nausea.  While sitting at our gate he was constantly shifting in his seat, trying to find some sort of relief from what he described as “sharp, shooting pains”

He (as most guys do) refused to go to the hospital on Sunday, saying he was just going to tough it out. Still thinking it was just some freak back injury.  But the real surprise came Monday morning when I woke up to a text saying he had gone to the ER at 2am because the pain was so excruciating it was a struggle to even stand up, and that they were running tests and surgery may be on the horizon depending on the results.

Maybe I wasn’t “supposed” to care, considering he had broken things off, but I couldn’t help it. As if everything that was unfolding around him wasn’t bad enough, there was one text message from him that just reconfirmed my previous thoughts that I NEEDED to be there for him. It simply read “ironic that 3 years ago today my father was leaving the hospital to take his walk to heaven while i get admitted on the same day"

I left work shortly after lunch that day and went to keep him company. He kept apologizing for it being boring, and there being nothing to do but I knew I wasn’t going to let him be alone on that day, going through all that. His sister lived nearly 2 hours away, and his mom was over 3 hours. It was the waiting game all afternoon. The doctors confirmed that he had pancreatitis, an infection of the pancreas, and it would either  be combated with surgery to remove gall stones or the gallbladder, or he just had to let it run its course.

It’s been nothing short of hard watching him go through all this pain knowing there’s nothing I can do to help but be there for support and a distraction from the monotony of the hospital.   Today marks his third day there, and there is still no real plan of action.  Yesterday things were looking up but last night brought back pain of the same intensity that forced him to the ER to being with.  More tests are being done as I type this, with mentions of kidneys and gallbladders and nothing that sounds upbeat. 

I’ve snuck him in gummy bears and milkshakes, word search games and pirate boxers all as desperate attempts to put a smile on his face.  I can tell it’s working and can sense his appreciation when I’m there, and receive numerous texts expressing his gratitude after I leave. I’m not trying to play nurse in hopes of him “taking me back”, I’m just doing what seems natural to me. I can’t stand to see someone going through all that, especially someone I care a lot about.

So… now you know what I’ve been up to! It’s been a whirlwind past few days around here, emotionally and physically, to say the least

He knows me too well

(While on our way to his friends house for movie night)
Me: What movie are we watching tonight?
HJ: Limitless
Me: Never heard of it?
HJ: You'll like it, it has a hot guy in it.
Me: Really?! Who??
HJ: That one guy from the Hangover, the teacher. Sandy blonde hair.
Me: Perfect!

Just so you know, Bradley Cooper did not disappoint.

FBO

Yep.... yesterday this dude and I became FBO. You know, Facebook official. The end-all-be-all of singledom. Because we all know nothing's official until it's Facebook official ;)

(I had a mouth full of smores in this picture, lovely huh!?)

Hey if we have been calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend for a few weeks now in real life, might as well take it to the interwebs right?!

The one about a 3-year old melting my heart

Are you ready for me to get all sappy on you?

You know that scene in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days... where Kate & MattyMc are at his parents house and she busts out the "It's just... when your mom hugged me today, she REALLY hugged me...... for winning a game of bullshit” 

That’s how I felt this weekend. 

HJ & I took a mini roadtrip to his sister & brother in law’s house to visit his little skittles (one of whom you may remember just had open heart surgery about a month ago, and is doing really well by the way – thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!)

The littlest skittle, full of baby rolls and giggles, welcomed me with open arms and a mouth full of slobber.

As most three year olds are, Jayden was really shy around me at first. I had only briefly met him once before and that was when he was in town for his surgery. I hung back and watched as he played with the the new toy Uncle Scott had brought him, and laughed when he started asking me ‘hey you wanna watch me play with this?”

It didn’t take long before he was asking me to open his Capri Sun and telling me it was my turn to hit the ball. I was pretty sure I was a shoo-in at that point. Scott & I spent the rest of the afternoon playing with the little skittles and chatting with his sister and brother-in-law.

Later in the evening as we were playing one last game of “hide seek” before bed, he told me he was scared to go look for his mom, and asked if I would hold his hand.  He gripped it extra tight the further we got into his parents’ bedroom and when his mom popped out from behind the shower curtain he quickly jumped behind me and started giggling like crazy.

As Scott's sister and bro-in-law tucked Jayden in, he asked if Scott & I would come tell him goodnight too, so we did. After he gave his Uncle Scott a hug and kiss, I was the lucky recipient of the biggest smooch ever on my cheek from the little dude.

But that’s not the part that got me all sappy. About half an hour later, as the rest of us were eating dinner, Scott's sister went back to check on him and shortly returned to the table saying that Jayden asked her if “Chelsea could come back and give me one more hug and kiss before he goes night”. 

And that’s when I melted. He didn’t ask for his parents which he obviously loves, he didn’t ask for his Uncle Scott who he adores more than the world, he asked for lil ol me! 

(I found out last night that I am the only girl Scott has ever taken over to his sister & brother-in-law's house. Which makes it that much more special to me)

So... how do you know her?

It was inevitable really, but I didn't expect it to happen that soon.

I wasn't really prepared. I fumbled my words and beat around the bush and finally just flat out spilled the beans.

HJ discovered the blog.

I blame it all on Michelle over at Living a Life of Love really. Between the texts, facebook messages and packages, HJ started to inquire. "She's my friend, she lives in Florida" had sufficed up until Friday night.

I was showing him the bracelet she sent me, when that evil question popped up.
"So, how do you know this Michelle chick anyways... did you go to high school with her?"

I giggled, and mumbled a few words and shyly looked away before mustering up the words that are guaranteed to get you a sideways glance and an eyebrow raise.... "I've actually never met her in real life..."

And that's just what I got... a sideways glance and an eyebrow raise. "Ok... now you really have to explain this one" he finally replied after a few seconds of silence and my giggles.

"I blog... well I mean, we blog.... Jenn does it too!" I spouted out. What is it about a cute boy that makes every maybenotquiteaspopular hobby seem THAT much less cool.

We finally ended up cracking up over the whole thing, and he just finds it hilarious that I have all these 'friends' whom I have never met scattered across the continent. Honestly, I'm glad we got past that little hidden hobby, but I'm even more glad that he hasn't asked to see it yet. HA!

Imagine his surprise when he discovers I've been talking about him on here!

Just a hunch

Sometime after our first or second date, as we were sitting on my couch laughing at the fact that it slides into two pieces and halfway across the room compliments of the too-cheap-to-provide-brackets-so-your-L-shaped-couch-stays-together furniture company and hardwood floors, Scott sang out the three words that made my heart pitter-patter. “I’ll fix it”.

Yep, there’s just something about a hands-on kinda guy that makes me go all googly-eyed and mushy. You woulda thought he promised me all the chocolate in the world or something the way I just stared at him with that goofy grin.

And sure enough, within a week he was on his hands and knees with clampamabobs and thingamajiggers and my slip-n-slide couch no longer created a grand canyon within itself if anyone moved while sitting on it.

Swoon.

I think it was even before the couch incident that he diagnosed my constantly-running-downstairs-toilet as a valve needing replaced and even texted me the next day saying he was at Lowe’s, did I want him to pick up that new part?

Double swoon.

And then there was the garbage disposal replacement.

And the ceiling fan installation.

And the other 2 ceiling fan replacements. And the lawn mowing.

And the tearing out of thorn bushes.

And fixing the railing.

And putting together my fire pit.

He picks up on things that I don’t even realize I mention, like the time I came home from work on a Friday to find that he had torn out a useless fence that divided the already fenced-in area of my backyard.

I think it’s safe to say he might just have a thing for me. Either that or he is just REALLY REALLY bored.

I am leaning towards the first. Just a hunch =)

Sidenote - when I do tell him about my blog, how creepy is he going to think I am for snapping all these photos?! Hahah.

Chance Encounters

Do you ever meet someone in a random chance encounter, and then can't help but sit and laugh looking back on it?

The last weekend in May I had a friend (Jeff) of an ex boyfriend from college send me a facebook message asking if I was going to Carb Day, and if not, would I want to go with him. He said he had suite passes as well as garage/pit passes.

Maybe I should back up to tell you that that ex-boyfriend had cheated on me, and I had only met Jeff maybe 2 times before that relationship had dissolved… and hadn’t really talked to Jeff since then, up until we randomly became fb friends and we would throw the occasional smart-ass comment at each other. I should also state that Jeff is probably in his late 30s. Slightly full of himself, and owns his own company so he’s rather well-to-do. Kindaaaaa random. Not the typical person I expect to burn a PTO day with.

But for some reason, attributed to my newfound ‘roll with it’ attitude, I decided I could work with those kind of benefits (plopping my butt in a suite rather than romping around with the thousands of drunkasses in the infield… muy bueno!), and agreed to tag along!

(Here's a great photo montage of Carb Day for all you non-hoosiers. Biggest party day in May) 

We got to the track close to 8am, and by the time early afternoon rolled around we decided to take a little golf cart ride into the 'Driver RV' area to see some friends... and there, amidst the IRL drivers frolicking amongst their families, and drunken hollering from those not allowed inside the gates, we locked eyes and the heavens opened up on that chilly May day.

Only kidding, we were introduced. He was a friend of a friend, but a fresh face....  I knew TK, he knew TK, but the two of us had never met. 

The main thing I really remember (freecocktailstendtodothistoyou) is that he complimented my watch immediately (ticket to my heart right there)... and then when my ex, whom I spoke of above, somehow found out I was there and tracked us down, instantly turning everyone's mood sour;  Scott took it upon himself to bounce around and cheer me up.

Honestly I didn't talk to him any more than I did everyone else, but there was something about him that made me smile; so as Jeff and I were leaving that evening, and he told me to find him on Facebook, I made a mental note to do so just as soon as my now-dead phone hit a charger.

Barely 48 hours later, a hot little red Shelby Mustang was pulling into my driveway and a handsome fella was opening the door for me to get inside.  After dinner on a patio and a stroll along the canal I decided he was an alright guy, and that I might let him stick around!

That was nearly 4 weeks ago... some of you caught on in yesterday's SWW post when I mentioned the guy I was dating was wearing one of my bracelets.  Smart cookies, you are!