Little Letters

Dear Neighbor,
I still find it hilarious that you think I travel a lot for work (guess I really never am home). While I appreciate your gracious offer to mow my lawn for $40 a week, it took everything in me not to laugh in your face. What kind of ganja are you smoking?


Dear Squeezable Applesauce pouches,
I realize it may be a little odd that anyone over the age of 24 months eats you. But you really are a pretty handy snack. Overpriced, for sure, but delicious. 


Dear hipster from the Food Truck Fest on Friday night,
Where in the WORLD did you get your dinosaur embroidered pants? I'm beyond envious.


Dear LT,
Oh hey, you discovered the blog. Hope you enjoyed seeing your face plastered on it. My followers love you already (that's code for dont F this up).


Dear PBR,
Should I stop right now and question what my life has become if I am addressing Pabst directly? Anyways, Dear Pabby... thanks for becoming my go-to mixer. I don't know how you do it, but you sure do make vodka even tastier.


Dear Mikey,
I would totally cheat on you with Marc. I'm sorry but his chrono's are growing on me. I was once a dedicated MK girl, but times are a'changin.


Dear plants,
It's funny, before I bought my house I had all these visions of frolicking in gorgeous gardens I tended. (go ahead, pause and reread that)

HA.

Who has time for that? I can't even remember to water plants that sit on a windowsill directly above my kitchen sink. Sorry I mass-murdered all of you.


Dear Adam Levine,
Hi. I miss you in my life on Mondays. That's all


Dear Niece,
I want to think that you were carrying around a shotglass saying DRINK DRINK last night simply because it seemed to be a small-person-sized cup to you, not because of something you picked up from your Aunt Chelsea. Please don't prove me wrong.

 

Little Letters: Round 3

I think it's about time for some little letters, no?

Dear green monster,
You are pretty much the equivalent of crack to my body. I crave you ever morning, and feel 900x better throughout the rest of the day compliments of you.  Thank you for weaseling your way into my life.


Dear church,
I know you probably wouldn't approve of the fact that I photoshopped communion glasses to look like jello shots. I needed to though. Please don't condemn me to hell


Dear cancer,
You're pretty much getting your ass kicked right now. Funny how you thought you could just show up and rock my not-even-2-year-old niece's world. She's got other plans. So pack up your shit, and get out. We already took the time to evict your tumor, so move along!



Dear Saint Valentine,
That day, the one dedicated completely to you, is about to rock my world. It may, quite possibly, be the best Valentine's Day EVER if all goes as planned. Want a hint as to my plans: Bacon'geddon.


Dear zumba,
I am bound and determined to conquer you. However, until that day comes where I can samba without looking like a 3 year old doing the potty dance... I will contain my zumba lessons to the private confines of my own home. 


Dear neighbors,
If any of you ever happen to glance in my window, I apologize. You guys have got to think I'm effin weird. I am constantly running around half-clothed, flashing the world because I forget to close my blinds. I am always dancing my way around the house (and I'm not talking waltzing, I'm talkin pop-lock-n-droppin it as I clean up the living room).  I run around chasing my dog like a madman.  I have a million and 12 half finished projects. I leave my garage door open half the time, and my keys hanging in the door the other half. Yea.... sorry. I'll try to reel it in a notch


Dear Indy,
We absolutely rocked it for Super Bowl. I cannot count how many out-of-towners raved about the people to me. LOVED it. So awesome. I just wanted to embrace the entire city full of people in a group hug Sunday night and never let them all go home.


Dear winter,
I liked you better when you were just half-assing it. Can we go back to that?


Dear Punta Cana,
You're, what, like a month away? I'm so ready to be in you. (heh, cue 12 year old boy giggles)


Dear corporate America,
Don't make the wrong choice. I'm just going to leave it at that for now.

Little Letters: Round 2

I think it's time for more little letters, don't you all agree? What... No? Too bad. 

Dear dad,
While I appreciate your surprise visit Tuesday night and the fact that you brought me a tupperware full of stew... I hate stew, and I'm pretty sure it was just an excuse to come steal your tools out of my garage. It's ok. I understand you miss me.


Dear House of Booze,
Since when do you have the authority to cancel Christmas? Ok, slight exaggeration but we don't even get ANY days off before or after xmas this year. The usual 'day off after xmas' is going to be taken on Presidents day. I seriously hate this industry. Grinch.


Dear state cop,
Are you just not going to ever turn in my ticket that you just HAD to give me that fateful September morning. I mean, I've got the prosecutor calling me threatening that my license is suspended (which it isn't, btw, I just checked) and saying I lied to her about the deferral and all this jazz. It's sort of a headache and I would just like to know if I get to catch that .01% error where you forget it and disappears or what?!


Dear crickets,
Seriously, get the flip out of my basement. I'm so tired of having to go on killing rampages everytime I want to do laundry. You guys are nasty... move it along Jiminey .


Dear annonymous fairy,
Thank you for paying my gas bill. I don't know who you are or how you did it, but somehow my $50+ bill for this past month showed that I owe nothing. I'm still skeptical.


Dear Greece,
Your men and islands may be gorgeous, but your yogurt is seriously disgusting. I bought 2 containers of it pretending to be healthy, and felt guilty throwing them away so I literally had to choke that stuff down as if I'm taking jello shots. Gag.  When did it occur to you that making a food item the exact consistency of the stuff you spackle ceilings with would be a good idea? It's not.


Dear perfect red jeans for Chelsea,
I know you are out there somewhere... please make yourself known.


Dear Reba,
Not really cool with you using my name in your new song. Little weird to be honest.


Dear over-eager neighbor,
You are across the street. If you want to carry on a conversation, come a little closer... I am not going to shout my personal business loud enough for the entire neighborhood. Heck I will even meet you in the street, sparky. Although you do make me laugh with every "HEY HOW ARE YAH OVER THERE?!" that I get.


Dear Paid Time Off,
Not that I'm counting... but I only have to put up with 25 more workdays until you are mine again and I cannot wait. I'm gonna use you the heck up and it's gonna be a DANG good time.


Dear tummy,
Please stop craving buffalo wings and fried rice at all hours of the day. People think I'm way weird when I mention it at 9:43AM... and I am really getting sick of having to promise everyone that no, there is in fact no fetus inside of me.


Sincerely,
 

Little letters

Dear Columbus,

If you could do it all over again, please fill the Nina with vodka, the Pinta with gin and the Santa Maria with whiskey. That way my place of employment would deem it suitable to let us have the day off in celebration of your accomplishments.

Dear Mom,

Thanks for replacing my broken coffee pot. It was nice being able to finally make my own coffee again this morning. When I jokingly asked how long you thought this one would last, it made me smile that you guessed it would be around for awhile, because you had a feeling my next relationship would be a good one.

Love you!

Dear Indy,

Thank you for hosting a food truck festival Friday evening, that we randomly stumbled upon. I really love our downtown and the way you always have little surprises up your sleeve like 15someodd mobile yummies all parked in one lot.

Dear Chase Bank,

You’re on my shit list. I’ll just leave it at that for now. Why you are punishing me for paying down my car loan is beyond my comprehension!?


Dear bloggers who have Captcha enabled,
You guys are on my shit list too. Can you please take it off? I don't think there is anything more annoying.
Although having no email address linked to your blog comes in close 2nd.

Dear Russell,

Even though you do many things that make me giggle, your newfound ritual of peeing on the floor every other morning is not gonna fly. Don’t make me take you back to where you came from.

Dear guy-I-had-a -crush-on-in-high-school-who-now-manages-an-ATT-store,

I’m glad we never dated in HS because it would have probably been a bad breakup and then you would not be nice and remember that I mentioned I wanted a white iPhone so you randomly reserved one for me. You kinda rock and I cannot wait to come pick it up Friday!

Dear girlfriendcookies,

You were a big hit at tailgating, my cousin said you tasted like the one’s Elvis made. Well, that’s what we thought he said but apparently he meant “elves”, as in Keebler.

Dear jello shots,

You were also a big hit at tailgating. But then again, you always are. I think there may have been a few too many of you though, we all got pretty happy there towards game time.

Dear soccer,

I used to think you were the worst sport ever. After this weekend I may have a different opinion. I guess you aren’t SO bad.

Dear driveway-sitting-neighbors,

You guys have now adorned your driveway with one of those CocaCola plastic gas station coolers. Really? REALLY? Stay classy neighbors, stay classy.

Dear tires,

Can you magically grow some new tread? Please? I priced your replacements out last week and it's gonna cost me nearly a thousand bucks... sos.

Dear birthday,

You’re next week… and I’m not really looking forward to you. 24 just seems so old to me, compared to 23 and I don’t think I’m ready for it. Can you hold off for a few more months? 

Dear blog,
Where did all these new readers come from?! I happened to notice there's nearly 300 of you guys?! Sheesh I feel serious pressure to actually write something decent one of these days ;)