Lingering Past

And at one point he looked at me and goes "you know what Chels, it's bullshit that you are letting them control your life still"

And I cried, out of anger. Big fat ugly cry.  He had no idea what I had been through, what they had done and said and how many ways they had broken my heart. But as the tears were falling I realized something. The key word is HAD. He was right. I was running from a future relationship because of what HAD happened. I really was letting these undeserving exes of mine control my future.

That fight was back in early moments of last summer, we were fresh into our relationship. LT and I had gotten into it over some silly thing I'm sure, probably about a friend of his who was a girl or something. We duked it out, then talked it out, then moved on. But to say I got over it quickly was a lie. It's hard. It's flat out HARD to trust after being cheated on in past relationships.

Sadly, I can distinguish when I'm being overly critical on him because of something someone had done to me in the past, but I haven't gotten to the stage where I just simply DON'T do it. That's the worst part, to realize I am punishing him for mistakes my ex's made, stuff that has nothing to do with him or how he treats me.

As we round the corner to that one year mark a lot of clarity is coming with it. I'm so so very fortunate to be dating someone who understands, and is helping me work through this. It's funny. I hit strong points where I write things like this post, shouting my appreciation for having been cheated on. And while it's true, being cheated on more than once has still left some deep, ugly wounds. Things you don't notice until you're stuck in some situation, at a fork in the road, where you start remembering the past and someone else's actions and panic.

Maybe this is a little random, or a little deeper than I've ventured on the blog lately, but it's straight from the heart. It's something I, we, battle every step of the way. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the only one.

As much as it scares me to admit it though, I notice those walls I put up falling down a bit more and more every day. Do I know LT will never hurt me? Nah, no one KNOWS that for sure. Do I believe deep down in my heart he never would, yea. Yea I do. And that's a really good feeling.



Melissa Jo said...

So happy that you have found your boy. He is definitely something special for sure! Cheating sucks, and it hurts I totally understand. You think you trust someone and then all of a sudden they betray you. I'm right at the stage where I start dating someone and then I have my flip out that your a douche too, and I close up and move out fast. It's like a full blown panic attack style. Either I'm terrified of commitment or I've just learned the douche moves to be aware of by now - ha!

K said...

It's really hard to look at someone new and trust them when you have been hurt so much before. It's hard not to expect them to do the same. I'm glad that he's so understanding about it and is helping you KNOW that he wouldn't do that to you. He's a good one!

whitney said...

[slow golf clap]

well said chels. you know i am proud of you!

julia rose. said...

You have one amazing guy on your hands, girl. To be understanding and willing to help you through hardships of past relationships is such a huge deal! I'm proud of you for writing this post because I feel A LOT of people can relate- me included. But my Dad once told me that you can't hold on to things people have done wrong to you- you have to let it go for YOU. You're only letting them win and hurt you further by keeping their wrong doings stuck in your head. I know that's a hard thing to do, but once you do you will feel so much better!

Mateya said...

Has it really been almost a year already?! Every relationship takes work, but I'm so happy to hear you have someone who's willing to actually DO the work with you! He's a keeper :)

Miss Angie said...

Oh I can totally relate to you! All of that damage that people have done to you in the past is really really hard to let go of. They've left so many scars, and some of those scars are still so painful to the touch that if someone bumps it you're reminded all over again...

All we can do is try to heal and keep moving forward!

I'm stopping by from the Weekly Round-Up Linky Party because Aubrey recommended this post in her post! :)

Lynne said...

It IS hard. It helps me to think of it almost like a physical wound...if I had a knee replaced, it would be totally unrealistic for me or anyone else to expect me to be in the same shape I was and able to do the same things within 24 hours of surgery....BUT with a little bit of work each day, you do get back to that point. I don't know why an emotional wound would be any different. I think the key is to both not give up, and not to have unrealistic expectations of when you will "get over it" or be back to "normal" (whatever that is for all of us....ha ha!). Sounds like you are making steady progress, so keep up the good work and don't get down on yourself because it isn't happening faster...also, sounds like you have a great guy now!

Lacey in the City said...

I like it. So good to read this. It's a journey, trying to get over being treated in the past without consideration. I find myself still struggling with the leftover feelings from that big ole breakup I left back in NY. But it's great that you've got LT and you guys are working through it as you go.